The Spy Who Dumped MeBlu-ray Disc - 2018
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Only a few quotes in IMDb this morning. More here:
"My boyfriend dumped me in a text message." How do I explain that?
No. I'm a really bad liar.
-I know, 'cause you ramble. You give too many details. And then people know that you're lying. You have to be concise about it.
You know, you guys make such a surprising couple. Like, if I didn't meet him as your boyfriend, I would assume he'd be dating someone more... Like, edgy. Like a cool girl. Like a model. But then I see you two together, and it's like, "Aw, this works too."
This is my best friend. She's having a bad night. Can you just use your aggressive masculinity for good instead of for evil?
It's a figure of speech. I don't know if you do that in England.
-What? Figures of speech?
- Yeah. We invented that.
Like if he went to Vassar, why does he pronounce it "liberry"?
-I don't trust anyone anymore.
You trust me though, right?
-Yes, of course, I trust you. You don't count.
Do you wanna die having never been to Europe? Or do you wanna go to Europe and die having been to Europe?
-Why are those my only two options?
Don't be nervous. People get caught when they're not confident.
They play this kind of stuff in Europe all the time. It's like the whole continent just said, "You know what? I love 1994. Let's just stay here."
Fear is an illusion!
They're idiots. I know an idiot when I see one.
Oh, that's my sister.
Not my biological sister, but my de facto sister.
Yeah. She wouldn't want you to know this, but she lost her virginity really late, so she's, like, hungry for it. You know what I mean?
I mean, the only animal cruelty involved in that is what the wine guy charges me.
No. Your dad would be furious at us for breaking a million international laws.
-No. He's not gonna be mad. He wasn't mad when I tried cocaine with my basketball coach. He wasn't mad at me when I got deported from Belize. He didn't get mad when I invited that teenage magician to live in my grandma's condo.
Oh, yeah. What ever happened to him?
Targets are two dumb American women.
Why are you using the turn signal? You're literally telling them where we're going.
Older men, they gravitate toward me.
They love me.
- Oh, God.
They want this. If that makes them weird then my SAT math tutor was weird, our landlord is weird.
- He's weird.
Mandy Patinkin is weird.
And look at that art. Doesn't look like she's enjoying herself too much.
-Sometimes the sweetest pleasure comes when you're not enjoying yourself.
I had braces for nine years. My orthodontist published a paper.
Trust me that I'm a terrible, terrible liar. Everybody knows when I'm lying. I can't lie.
-Me, too. I've never kept a secret in my life. Secrets are poison.
I'll tell you anything that you wanna know about her. 'Cause I know it all. She texts and drives. She does it all the time. She Instagrams on the freeway. She hashtags it "driving."
Morgan stole her dad's pain pills after his surgery and sold them at Coachella.
- I did. Audrey was once babysitting this eight-year-old kid and she flirted with him to get him to go to sleep. His name was Liam. She has sex dreams about Minions. Just the one Minion with the one eye. Is that supposed to be a dick? She googled it on my computer, and now I get a lot of weird ads.
I said I was sorry.
-Audrey shaves between her boobs.
Uh, Morgan kissed her cousin.
- I didn't know it was my cousin.
How you know so much about her? And she about you?
-She's my best friend. We know everything about each other.
Tell us about your best friend. Who is she? What's her name? What does she look like?
You're the boss? We have a real-life Judi Dench in our midst. You are the boss, and yet you have not sacrificed one ounce of femininity. Why have we been spending all of this time talking to the men, when this being has been floating through the halls of the building? Oh, my God! … That's a compliment. That is the Beyonce of the government. … I have so much respect for you that it has circled around into objectification.
Morgan, your idea of blending in is that outfit?
-Yeah. Do I not look just like a French woman?
I look like a French woman. You look like a French curtain.
-Yeah, 'cause I can hang.
You're a spy. Can't you just hack it?
-Well, they change the password every 24 hours. Even if I had a supercomputer, it'd take days.
I thought that you might not have your AOL account anymore.
-Oh, yeah. I switched to Gmail in '04.
Remember, the best place to hide is somewhere full of suspicious people.
… crime syndicate. Out of Moscow … Oligarchs, arms dealers, blackmailers, and former gymnastic coaches.
And not that you asked my opinion, but the worst song on that jukebox is Your Body Is a Wonderland.
Because there's one thing that's mightier than the pen, and it's called a fucking handgun!
No one ever remembers what Canadians look like.
It's just we switched places, so if they're looking for a blonde and a brunette, then we're still gonna be a blonde and a brunette.
You're not "a little much."
-I am. I am "a little much." I'm a lot much.
I was gonna say, women can be terrorists too. We can do anything we put our minds to.
Thousand guesses, never would've landed on "thumb."
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